***** Mopping the Sopping *****

In last week's post, we revealed one of the most accurate and true scientific principles known to mankind - if you're a guy, there is a high likelihood that when you eat, you're going to spill something on yourself.  As promised, this week we'll look at what to do about it. 

Mopping the Sopping

To every problem there is a potential solution and that is what today's post is about - solutions to the problem of your spilling on yourself when you eat.  Here they are:

*  If at all possible, avoid eating in public where you are apt to make a fool of yourself by spilling all over your self.

*  If you are forced to eat in public, try to keep the number of guests at your table as low as possible to decrease the number of witnesses.

*  Consider ordering food items that barely leave a trace if they happen to find their way to your shirt.  Un-buttered toast or crackers are suggested.

*  If you know you are going to eat a particular meal that is of a particular color, wear a shirt of the very same color so the food will blend in when it hits you.  Thus, if you know you're going to eat  spaghetti, wear a red shirt. 

*  If you are invited to someone's house for dinner, where you do no know what will be served, wear a multi-color shirt, which will prepare you for any food offering.

*  As soon as you spill something, clasp your hand and arm to your chest to cover the point of attack and immediately jump up and run to the restroom.  By now you should be experienced in using just the right mixture of water and soap on a paper towel to vigorously scrub the stains from your shirt, and also your pants, socks, and shoes, if necessary.  Wait twenty minutes for your clothes to dry before you rejoin your wife and friends. 

*  By this time, you wife has undoubtedly been threatening to buy you a bib to wear.  You might give it some serious thought. 

*  When you buy shirts, always buy two that are identical.  When you go out to eat, wear one and keep the second shirt handy as a backup.  If you spill on your shirt, quickly excuse yourself and change into the backup when no one is watching.  If you subsequently also spill on the backup shirt it may be best to excuse yourself and to quietly go home.  No one will blame you.

*  These are all good, solid, practical solutions, you've got to admit.  Perhaps the best solution to your problem of spilling food on yourself every time you eat is this - you're a guy.  Guys are supposed to go out with their wife and friends and have fun and eat and be merry.  So, go ahead and order anything you want even if it's loaded with sauces and juices oozing all over the place.  Dig in with both hands and enjoy yourself and let the chips fall where they may, along with the salsa, syrup, spaghetti sauce, mustard, ketchup, and anything else that feels more comfortable on your shirt than on your plate.    Bon Appetit!

Copyright  ©  2018 By Peter Davidson