Marital Advice
Understanding Your Wife, and Other Myths
Joel,  let's say that through your keen sense of observation and your powers of intuition, you develop the ability to anticipate your wife's every mood and foresee her every action to the point where you completely understand her.  What would I say about that, you ask.
Well, I would say that you are an idiot and a fool who is prone to hallucinations and that you should either be examined or executed.

Female Shopping Logic
Since the beginning of time, mothers and grandmothers have passed down shopping philosophies, strategies, and techniques to their daughters and granddaughters.  The young women accept these morsels of wisdom as absolute, indisputable truth since they came from Mother, or better yet, Grandmother.  By the time that you met the woman who eventually became your wife, these truths had become ingrained in her personal DNA.
In some families, it is a ritual that is as sacred as celebrating Christmas, Thanksgiving, or …
Marital Advice
Let The Training Begin 
Joel, this concept was already expressed in this epistle's introduction, but I repeat it here just in case you missed it the first time.
To your wife, you are more than a husband, you are a Project - a Work-in-Progress. 
When Abby chose to marry you, she apparently saw in you hidden potential that no other woman in the world was able to spot, including her mother, her sisters, and her friends.  For the rest of her life, she will try on a daily basis to coax, mold, and beat that hidden potential into some semblance of the admirable man she visualizes you have the ability to become.
You will be in training every day of your married life.  Sometimes, the training will be so subtle that you may not even know that you are being trained.  Other times, there will be no doubt, such as in the preceding story that was posted in this blog, "The Gift Horse."

Jump-Starting Your Training
In order to make Abby's job of training you a little easier, a…
Advice 101.4
The Gift Horse - 101.4h
Settling Into Married Life (Continued)
There will be numerous times throughout your marriage that you will buy Abby presents for her birthday, anniversaries, Christmas, Valentines Day, and other occasions.  Buying the perfect gift is an art and a science.  If you do this right, Abby will brag to her friends about the wonderful, thoughtful gift you gave her and may even treasure it forever as a keepsake.  If you do it wrong, you will pay in ways that you cannot even imagine.
I could provide a list of ten things to do and not to do when buying gifts for your wife, but the following true story might be easier to remember.

A Gift She Will Never Forget, Nor Will He

It is Bill and Diane's first wedding anniversary.  They have a lovely dinner at home and share a bottle of good wine.  Now, it is time to open the gifts that they purchased for each other.

Bill opens his gift first.  It is the golf putter that he has been dropping hints about for the past two mo…
Marital Advice 101.4
Sharing - 101.4g Settling Into Married Life (Continued) 
You learned as a child that it is good, proper, and nice to share with others.  This concept carries over to marriage, but it works a little differently than it did in kindergarten.
Let's say, for example, that you like to occasionally eat a banana.  You realize that Abby is not as fond of bananas as you are and that she rarely eats them.  You stop at a convenience store on your way home from work and they have some great-looking bananas.  You decide to buy two of them - one for today and the other one for tomorrow. You get home and place your bananas on the kitchen counter.  After dinner, you decide to have one of your bananas for a snack.  Your wife asks, "Can I have the other banana?"  Of course, you graciously say "Yes."  There goes tomorrow's banana.
A few days later, you stop at the same convenience store and they again have some great-looking bananas.  You decide to get yourself…
Marital Advice 101.4 Settling Into Married Life (Continued)
"The Look"  101.4f
Let's say Abby and you are out for the evening with friends, enjoying a few drinks and dinner at a nice restaurant.  Everybody is having a great time and it might be said that you are the life of the party.  
You glance at your wife, who is sitting across from you, and she is giving you "The Look." It is a steely-eyed, clinched-jaw scowl that means you have obviously done something very wrong, but what?
It could mean, "Stop staring at the waitress's boobs," "Stop staring at the waitress's ass," "Stop talking so loud," "Stop talking with your hands, they're waving all over the place," " Stop swearing," "Stop telling the same stories that you've told these people a dozen times," "You have again spilled steak sauce on your shirt," "You are getting shitfaced drunk," "Stop crushing your empty bee…
Marital Advice 101.4 Settling Into Married Life (Continued) "Does This Dress Make My Ass Look Big?" 101.4e  There will be numerous times throughout your married life that your wife will ask for your opinion on how she looks.  Here's an example. Abby and you are getting dressed for your company's annual holiday party.  Abby purchased a new dress for the occasion and she will wear it for the first time tonight.  She views herself in the mirror - front, side, and rear views. "Does this dress make my ass look big?" she asks. This is a trap question.  If you answer it wrong, your wife will burst into tears, will rip the dress off, and probably refuse to go to the party.  If she does go, it will ruin her entire evening, and most likely yours as well.  Not only that, but she will remember what you said forever and will throw it back in your face at least once a month for the rest of your life. Now, there is no doubt that you consider yourself to be one of the most q…
Marital Advice 101.4 Settling Into Married Life- (Continued) Bedroom Bliss - 101.4d You probably think this is going to be about sex, and it is–in a roundabout way.  More directly, it is about farting. Farting in bed. There is probably nothing that will disgust your wife more than your cutting one under the covers.  Oh, I know - you think that your farts are both silent and odorless. Wrong and Wrong again. Farting Etiquette It is improper etiquette for you to refer to your farting as tooting.  Women Toot, but men do not.  Men Fart.  It is important that you understand this distinction. Becoming A Fartaholic You may not know this, but farting in bed is much like becoming an alcoholic.  You  see, a person who eventually becomes an alcoholic doesn't start by guzzling a quart of gin on the very first day they have their very first drink.  No - they have a cocktail or two and it tastes good, but that's all they have.  Then, slowly, they increase their consumption over a period of time un…