MARITAL ADVICE
***** Father's Day Dining Etiquette *****
Today is Father's Day in the United States. This is the day your wife and family are supposed to treat you like a king; maybe they'll even take you out to a nice restaurant for your favorite meal. Here are some dining etiquette tips similar to what I gave my grandson, Joel, when he got engaged.
This is not about when to place your napkin on your lap or how many peas to balance on the blade of your knife. This is about a dining matter of far more significance to you than that, since you are a guy. Since you are a guy, you will rarely be able to eat a full meal without spilling something on yourself. You have probably already discovered this on your own.
Scientific Eating Etiquette Truisms
There are several unwritten hypothesis about spilling food on yourself that are as accurate as any known law of science:
* The more colorful the food item, the more likely it is to spill on you.
* A light-colored shirt, like white or yellow, will attract food at a 75% higher rate than a dark-colored shirt.
* The larger the number of people dining at the same table as you, the greater the chance you will spill on yourself.
* The softer the food item, the greater the chance that it will hit the front of your shirt around nipple height and slide all the way down to your belly button.
* The harder the food item, the greater number of times it will hit your clothes and the greater number of clothing items it will hit as it bounces its way toward the floor.
* As time goes on, you will undoubtedly develop new, creative, unimaginable ways to spill on yourself that no one in the history of mankind has ever discovered before.
* As soon as you feel a food item hit your shirt, you will instinctively shoot a quick glance at your wife to see if she has seen it. At least 100% of the time, if not more, your wife will see it before it even hits your shirt.
* All the other guys at the table will sympathize with your plight, since they have been there before and will be there again.
* The other wives at the table will sympathize with your wife for being married to such a slob.
* For every decade that you get older, the likelihood of spilling on yourself when you eat, doubles.
We have solutions for this dilemma of spilling on yourself, but we're running out of room, so we'll save that for next week. In the meantime, you're King for the Day, so go out and order what you want and dig in with both hands and let the chips fall where they may, along with anything else that feels more comfortable on our clothing than on your plate. Happy Father's Day!
This is not about when to place your napkin on your lap or how many peas to balance on the blade of your knife. This is about a dining matter of far more significance to you than that, since you are a guy. Since you are a guy, you will rarely be able to eat a full meal without spilling something on yourself. You have probably already discovered this on your own.
Scientific Eating Etiquette Truisms
There are several unwritten hypothesis about spilling food on yourself that are as accurate as any known law of science:
* The more colorful the food item, the more likely it is to spill on you.
* A light-colored shirt, like white or yellow, will attract food at a 75% higher rate than a dark-colored shirt.
* The larger the number of people dining at the same table as you, the greater the chance you will spill on yourself.
* The softer the food item, the greater the chance that it will hit the front of your shirt around nipple height and slide all the way down to your belly button.
* The harder the food item, the greater number of times it will hit your clothes and the greater number of clothing items it will hit as it bounces its way toward the floor.
* As time goes on, you will undoubtedly develop new, creative, unimaginable ways to spill on yourself that no one in the history of mankind has ever discovered before.
* As soon as you feel a food item hit your shirt, you will instinctively shoot a quick glance at your wife to see if she has seen it. At least 100% of the time, if not more, your wife will see it before it even hits your shirt.
* All the other guys at the table will sympathize with your plight, since they have been there before and will be there again.
* The other wives at the table will sympathize with your wife for being married to such a slob.
* For every decade that you get older, the likelihood of spilling on yourself when you eat, doubles.
We have solutions for this dilemma of spilling on yourself, but we're running out of room, so we'll save that for next week. In the meantime, you're King for the Day, so go out and order what you want and dig in with both hands and let the chips fall where they may, along with anything else that feels more comfortable on our clothing than on your plate. Happy Father's Day!
Copyright © 2018 By Peter Davidson
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