(Since the festive holiday season is upon us, with many good things to eat, it appears that a few comments about eating etiquette is appropriate.)
This is not going to be a lecture about which hand to hold your fork and knife in, when to place your napkin on your lap, or the maximum number of peas to balance on your knife blade. You can rely on your wife to train you on those matters.
This is about a dining matter of far more significance to you than that, since you are a guy. Since you are a guy, you will rarely be able to eat a full meal without spilling something on yourself. You have probably already discovered this on your own.
Scientific Eating Etiquette Truisms
There are several unwritten hypothesis about spilling food on yourself that are as accurate as any known law of science:
* The more colorful the food item, the more likely it is to spill on you. Thus, there is a 100% chance that when you eat spaghetti, the sauce will get you.
* A light-colored shirt, like white or yellow, will attract food at a 75% higher rate than a dark-colored shirt.
* The larger the number of people dining at the same table as you, the greater the chance you will spill on yourself. If you are dining alone, there is only an 11% chance you will spill. If three people are dining with you, it raises to 58%, and if there are seven or more people at your table, there is a 98.99% chance of a spill.
* The softer the food item, the greater chance that it will hit the front of your shirt around nipple height and slide all the way down to your belly button, creating a wider path the further it goes. This includes food items like over-easy eggs, pudding, and chocolate cake with gooey frosting a half inch thick
* The harder the food item, the greater the number of times it will hit your clothes and the greater the number or clothing items it will hit as it bounces its way toward the floor. For instance, a strawberry that is dripping in juice will hit your shirt around your top button, hit your shirt another two times, hit the front of your pants twice, hit your pants leg three times, hit your sock once, and end up on top of your neighbor's shoe.
* If you are eating a food drenched in syrup or some other sticky substance, there is 100% chance you will spill it on the front of your shirt and it will run like a river toward your belt buckle. Not only that, but you will instinctively touch the front of your shirt with your hand to see if you have spilled, which you have, and your hand will now be sticky. About this time, your boss will approach your table and want to shake hands.
* As soon as your feel a food item hit your shirt, you will instinctively shoot a quick glance at your wife to see if she has seen it. At least 100% of the time, if not more, your wife will see it before it even hits your shirt. There is a small amount of comfort in this for you, since it will give her adequate forewarning to position her legs and feet out of the path of any incoming missile. She is still going to be disgusted with you, but nothing like she would be if she were to take a direct hit.
* For every decade that you get older, the likelihood of spilling on yourself when you eat doubles.
It's the Holiday Season - eat, drink, and be merry. Best wishes for a Merry Christmas and a Happy Holiday Season. (Next week's post: Creative solutions to a guy's spilling food on himself when he eats.)
Copyright © 2017 By Peter Davidson