Marital Advice to my Grandson Joel

Marital Advice 101.4

Settling Into Married Life - (Continued)

Bedroom Bliss - 101.4d

You probably think this is going to be about sex, and it is–in a roundabout way.  More directly, it is about farting. Farting in bed.

There is probably nothing that will disgust your wife more than your cutting one under the covers.  Oh, I know - you think that your farts are both silent and odorless. Wrong and Wrong again.

Farting Etiquette

It is improper etiquette for you to refer to your farting as tooting.  Women Toot, but men do not.  Men Fart.  It is important that you understand this distinction.

Becoming A Fartaholic

You may not know this, but farting in bed is much like becoming an alcoholic.  You  see, a person who eventually becomes an alcoholic doesn't start by guzzling a quart of gin on the very first day they have their very first drink.  No - they have a cocktail or two and it tastes good, but that's all they have.  Then, slowly, they increase their consumption over a period of time until they work up to that quart a day - a full-blown alcoholic.

Farting in bed is the same thing - you start with a little blooper that goes undetected and then you get bolder and bolder until you become a full-blown fartaholic.  Eventually, the night will come when you let loose with a Five-Alarm Ripper that rattles the windows and causes your wife to go sleep on the couch for the rest of the night.

This is where you should "take the cure," just as a drinker does when they finally have to admit to themselves that things have gotten out of control.

The Seven-Alarm Bomb

If you do not take control, you may end up like Sammy - and this is a true story that actually happened to one of your Grandpa's beer- drinking companions.  Sammy started out by slipping a few silent ones past his wife in bed.  As his flatulence gradually became more noticeable, his wife protested and threatened to no avail.

Sammy kept blasting away under the covers.  Then, one night, Sammy let a sauerkraut salad and bean burrito-fueled Seven-Alarm Bomb that was so massive, deadly, forceful, and lethal that it set off the carbon monoxide detector in the bedroom.

Sammy, of course, slept through it, which left it up to his wife to turn off the detector, that was screaming like a police car siren.  She was afraid to turn on the light switch for fear that a spark would blow up the house and eventually she fumbled with the detector in the dark until she got it turned off.

After that night, Sammy was relegated to sleeping in the guest bedroom, which is where he still sleeps to this day.  And, it is hard to have sex with your wife when you are sleeping thirty feet from where she is sleeping and you have been banned from her bedroom at any time of the day or night.

Taking The Cure

So, to make your wife happy and to improve your sex life, go to the drug store and buy a bottle of those little pills with names like The Fart Blaster or something like that, which provides an instant cure to being a bedroom fartaholic. 

Sweet dreams.

Copyright  ©  2017 By Peter Davidson