Marital Advice Shopping: Man vs. Woman In case you haven't noticed, men and women view shopping differently. How A Man Shops When a man goes shopping for a new pair of shoes, he walks into a shoe store where he has previously purchased shoes or he goes to a store that is easy to get in and out of.  He looks over the shoes on display, selects a pair that he likes and checks to see if the store has a pair in his size.  He may or may not try on the shoes.  He takes the shoes to the counter, pays for them, and heads for home where he has important things to do like watch a game on TV or do a little woodworking.  Approximately seven minutes will have lapsed from the time he entered the store until he exited it. He will wear that pair of shoes for at least ten years and the older they get the better he will like them. How A Woman Shops A woman will enter a shoe store and look at every pair in the store, including styles that she would never...

Marital Advice Let The Training Begin  Joel, this concept was already expressed in this epistle's introduction, but I repeat it here just in case you missed it the first time. To your wife, you are more than a husband, you are a Project - a Work-in-Progress.  When Abby chose to marry you, she apparently saw in you hidden potential that no other woman in the world was able to spot, including her mother, her sisters, and her friends.  For the rest of her life, she will try on a daily basis to coax, mold, and beat that hidden potential into some semblance of the admirable man she visualizes you have the ability to become. You will be in training every day of your married life.  Sometimes, the training will be so subtle that you may not even know that you are being trained.  Other times, there will be no doubt, such as in the preceding story that was posted in this blog, "The Gift Horse." Jump-Starting Your Training In order to make Ab...

Advice 101.4 The Gift Horse - 101.4h Settling Into Married Life (Continued) There will be numerous times throughout your marriage that you will buy Abby presents for her birthday, anniversaries, Christmas, Valentines Day, and other occasions.  Buying the perfect gift is an art and a science.  If you do this right, Abby will brag to her friends about the wonderful, thoughtful gift you gave her and may even treasure it forever as a keepsake.  If you do it wrong, you will pay in ways that you cannot even imagine. I could provide a list of ten things to do and not to do when buying gifts for your wife, but the following true story might be easier to remember. A Gift She Will Never Forget, Nor Will He It is Bill and Diane's first wedding anniversary.  They have a lovely dinner at home and share a bottle of good wine.  Now, it is time to open the gifts that they purchased for each other. Bill opens his gift first.  It is the golf putter th...

Marital Advice 101.4 Settling Into Married Life (Continued) "The Look"  101.4 f Let's say Abby and you are out for the evening with friends, enjoying a few drinks and dinner at a nice restaurant.  Everybody is having a great time and it might be said that you are the life of the party.   You glance at your wife, who is sitting across from you, and she is giving you "The Look." It is a steely-eyed, clinched-jaw scowl that means you have obviously done something very wrong, but what? It could mean, "Stop staring at the waitress's boobs," "Stop staring at the waitress's ass," "Stop talking so loud," "Stop talking with your hands, they're waving all over the place," " Stop swearing," "Stop telling the same stories that you've told these people a dozen times," "You have again spilled steak sauce on your shirt," "You are getting shitfaced drunk," ...

 Marital Advice 101.4 Settling Into Married Life (Continued) "Does This Dress Make My Ass Look Big?" 101.4e   There will be numerous times throughout your married life that your wife will ask for your opinion on how she looks.  Here's an example. Abby and you are getting dressed for your company's annual holiday party.  Abby purchased a new dress for the occasion and she will wear it for the first time tonight.  She views herself in the mirror - front, side, and rear views. "Does this dress make my ass look big?" she asks. This is a trap question.   If you answer it wrong, your wife will burst into tears, will rip the dress off, and probably refuse to go to the party.  If she does go, it will ruin her entire evening, and most likely yours as well.  Not only that, but she will remember what you said forever and will throw it back in your face at least once a month for the rest of your life. Now, there is no doubt t...

Marital Advice 101.4 Settling Into Married Life - (Continued)     Bragging Rights - 101.4c   There are few things that some married women enjoy more than getting together with other wives and having a full-blown bitching session about what a bunch of low-down, miserable, worthless, lazy, sloppy, gross, crude, barbaric, idiots their husbands are.     There is one thing that a wife likes better than that, though.  It is being able to brag on her husband to her friends and relatives about the wonderful things that he does to help out around the house.  That being the case, take the lead here and get out in front of it.  That is, pick two, three, or four things to do around the house that will surprise and please your wife and astound your mother-in-law.     Your New Best Friend   I highly recommend that one duty you volunteer to handle is vacuuming the carpets and floors.  Here's why:  There is som...

Marital Advice 101.4  Settling Into Married Life - (Continued) Mommy's Little Helper 101.4b When you were a child, remember when your mother would occasionally give you little tasks to do, such as "Please go in the living room and bring me the red pillow from the couch," or "Get me a tissue from the box on my dresser," or "Hold this bowl for me until I need it."  Maybe you were even rewarded for your help by being allowed to lick the batter from the mixing bowl beaters. Your Wife's Helper Well, you're a big boy now and your wife is going to occasionally call upon you to run some simple errands for her.  For instance, say you're in the grocery store and Abby gives you an order:  "Go get the smallest box of oatmeal they've got.  It's in the cereal aisle." You charge off and locate the cereal aisle in less than ten seconds.  The oatmeal is in the first section on your left. You're making good ti...